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New Crap: The ‘Blinking Ewok’ Edition

September 11, 2011


(week commencing 12th September 2011)

Seemingly overnight, winter is here. Its raining, its windy, the Christmas stuff is up in Sainsbury’s, and there are new home entertainment releases to stop you having to leave your house until next June. Tomorrow, Star Wars The Complete Saga is out on Bluray, meaning another chance for George Lucas to chew up those kid’s films he made 900 years ago and spew the half-eaten crud that remains into the wide-open, aching jaws of people in their 20s and 30s who should know better. This is the first time the Star Wars franchise has been available on Bluray, and to mark the occasion George Lucas’s grinning moonface has been superimposed over Harrison Ford’s in every scene featuring Han Solo, and the entire film has been given a dubstep soundtrack. But HARK! When George Lucas gets his next paycheque, which is evidently all he cares about, there’s not going to be a difference between the 30 year old battering the words “OMG Ewoks shouldn’t blink!!!1” into his laptop keyboard and the 7 year old who doesn’t think Empire has enough Jar Jar Binks, so stop buying the same films over and over or stop whinging.


Also out tomorrow, Pirates of the Caribbean Episode IV: The Something of the Mysterious Whatever, and a Special Edition Twilight Saga boxset. Now you can relive all your favourite moments from the Twilight saga in the comfort of your own home, like when that guy does that thing and the others all look moody, or when stuff happens and all the characters take it very seriously, and who can forget the classic scene where Robert Pattinson skulks around for hours, visibly aching while trying to will his malnourished, teenage Ted Dansen face into something resembling a human expression. Also Point F’N Break gets re-released-



There has never been a more important week for music than this week. There’s new music out tomorrow which will permanently change the way you perceive sound, such as the new albums by Frenchmen Ageing Backwards, Pingpong Batshit, Bruce’s Willies, Hubert The Bastard, and Tnuc. The latter in particular is vomitcore at its finest. In an average week, any of these hugely important new albums would be big news, but not in the week when Bad Bad Beverage release their self-titled debut album. For those who aren’t aware, Triple B have been causing a stir on the Scunthorpe scene, creating seminal music without actually making any sound whatsoever.


In other music news, Madonna emerged from the basement of her Transylvanian castle this week, looking like a cross between Kryten off Red Dwarf and a piece of rope, to announce she will record a new album soon. Meanwhile, in a brave move, The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has changed his name to a smell.

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