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New Crap: The “Metal Bingo” Edition

July 23, 2011

Hello, you fuckers. The future is almost here and its a vast, neutral space. All books and magazines are on Kindles, all music is on Ipods, all films are stored on Sky+ boxes, all news is beamed into your crying eyeballs through HD televisions. ‘Friends’ are compartmentalised into Google+ circles and communicated with exclusively through Skype.

There are new DVDs and CDs out next week. They aren’t “out” now. They ARE probably available for free online, but apparently you’re expected to wait. Once the iFuture arrives there’ll be no more anticipation. Anyone will be able to pump half-formed ideas and thoughts into ‘the cloud’ for anyone else to take whenever they want. There’ll be no more shelves or clutter, replaced by clean, empty space. An iWorld filled with iTowns filled with iHomes, filled with iPods on otherwise empty marble tables, injecting data into a species of users.

At least one increasingly irrelevant form of physical media is going out with a bang. In it’s last edition, the News of the World, whose staff had nothing left to lose, led with the brave headline “Ed Miliband not human. Friend says he is ‘part-bee’.” This claim was accompanied by a hastily photoshopped picture of the Labour leader pollinating an orchid and a quote from an anonymous source saying “Ed Miliband is not entirely human. He is part-bee. End of messages. To listen to this message again, please press 1. To save it press 2, or to delete it press 3. Message deleted.”

Unfortunately, the new CDs and DVDs that comprise the last days of the physical world are less impressive. Next week’s big music release is Now 79, the latest in the Now Thats What I Call Music series of compilations, featuring all the latest smash hit pop songs such as The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars, Just Can’t Get Enough by Black Eyed Peas, Born This Way (Express Yourself) by Lady Gaga (Madonna) and Suicide is Beautiful by Benighted in Sodom.

Meanwhile, swing revivalists Pestilence release their new album Doctrine, and popular barbershop quartet Toxic Holocaust release their latest set of ditties Conjure and Command. Both of these albums sound absolutely delightful, and not at all like a collection of shit-coloured dirges with no purpose to people with functioning ears, other than to use the track names for a game of Metal Bingo. If you’re playing along at home, you can mark the following words off your card- Judgment; Agony; Damned; Winter; Nowhere; Disease; Revelations; Salvation; Sinister; Divinity; Deception; Malignant. What a shame, I’m only missing “Fallen”, “War” and “Cancer” and I would have had a full house.

Otherwise its a quiet week. CSI Miami Season 8 is released on DVD, which is the final season. From next year the producers will focus on new spin-off CSI Scunthorpe. Sims 3: Town Life Stuff is out for PC. Its an expansion pack that includes new customisation options for your Sims town, and gym equipment for your Sims to get fit, while you remain entirely sedentary, lobbing handfuls of corn-syrup towards your yawning, cavernous gullet. And finally, theres a Justin Bieber DVD, featuring footage of the R&Bot (pictured above) dancing with Usher, interacting with fans, sacrificing farmyard animals to his lord and saviour Satan, and performing all of his hits (such as the classic ‘Baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby’).

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