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New Crap: The ‘Gram of Charlie Sheen’ Edition

March 6, 2011

‘Awards season’ is a strange beast. Every year, figures from within the entertainment industry send shockwaves hurtling around the world by joining together and giving themselves a monumental pat on the back. The BRITs, The Grammys, the BAFTAs, the SAGs, the Golden Globes, the Oscars, and many others, all fall within a few months of each other. This epic level of self-congratulation is something that’s unique to the entertainment industry, and they don’t even seem to have a sense of humour or self-awareness about it, as evidenced by Ricky Gervais’s hostile reception at this years Golden Globes. You don’t see security guards or locksmiths or bakers slapping on their formalwear and parading around in front of the press expecting applause. You’re never going to open a paper and be greeted with the news “Greggs’ Sausage & Bean Melt wins Best Pasty at the Carbies- Harvey Weinstein furious”. Anyway-

New DVDs and Blurays out Monday March 7th 2011

For my round up of this week’s new music releases, click here to visit NorthernNoise.co.uk

The Saw franchise has spawned 7 films, 2 video games, a collection of action figures, a line of clothing, a short lived Saturday morning children’s cartoon and a branded sandwich oven. This week sees the DVD and Bluray release of the 7th and supposedly last film in the series- Saw: The Final Chapter, as well as the “Ultimate Collection” box set containing all 7 films. The real “Ultimate Collection” of Saw films would actually be a box that contained the first film and the 12 hours of your life you’ve spent watching the sequels. As is the norm for the Saw films, Saw: The Final Chapter attempts to up the level of sickness, which has already been set quite high in the previous films, by having its characters get caught in a series of increasingly nasty torture traps. In one particularly harrowing scene a man wakes up to find his knee stapled to a bike, while in another a woman is shocked to find someone has left a rude note on her fridge. Horrific stuff.

Bieber Fever is sweeping the nation! And the only known cure is a single bullet through the brain. Justin Bieber: Teen Idol (DVD) is out on Monday to further appease the lumbering hoards of infected. It’s apparently an “insightful documentary taking a closer look at the meteoric rise to prominence of one of America’s most successful teen pop stars”. So, a must-have for fans of everybody’s favourite Disney-animated, Lego-haired, dead-eyed R&Bot. Still, he’s not all bad- without Bieber we wouldn’t have Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. Meanwhile, if you still remember what it was like when kids entertainment was awesome, then Real Ghostbusters: Season 1 (DVD) might be for you. Its a two disc collection of the cartoon show based on the popular film. Disc 1 contains the first half of the episodes from Season 1, while Disc 2 just contains video of Bill Murray sat alone in a room, staring disapprovingly at the camera and mouthing the word “no” over and over again.

Also out this week, something called 100 Men & A Girl (DVD). I choose to assume that its Charlie Sheen’s edgier follow up to Two & A Half Men, which was cancelled last week, prompting Sheen to give some crazy-eyed interviews to American news channels. When asked if he was still on drugs, Sheen responded “I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you’ll die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Intrigued by this description I decided to track down some Charlie Sheen to test its effects. This isn’t an easy task if you aren’t sure what you’re looking for, but after the brief solvent high caused by a lungful of ‘Mr Sheen’ wore off, I found a man who sold me what he said was some Charlie Sheen. Rather than making my face melt off, it just gave me an intense feeling of embarrassment and a sort of fatherly disappointment. I’d been sold a gram of Martin Sheen by mistake. When I finally got my hands on some actual Charlie Sheen, the main effects seemed to be the swelling of my right nostril to 3 times the size of my left and the morphing of my hairdo into what a barber might call ‘the sweaty Noel Edmonds’. After the interviews, the Hot Shots Part Deux star then joined Twitter and broke a record by getting over 1 million followers in under a day. With that many people reading Sheen’s tweets, its only a matter of time before “Shut the fuck up” starts trending.

And finally, the Thanksgiving tradition returns as WWE releases the 24th annual Survivor Series pay per view on DVD and Bluray. Filmed last November in front of an excited crowd in Miami, Survivor Series 2010 promised to be the biggest ever, featuring huge bouts between all the major WWE Superstars, such as ‘The Bastard’ Jeff Valhalla doing battle with The Flasher, and ‘The Last Nazi’ Hans Zimmapants locking horns with his long time rival The Fish inside the dreaded confines of The Lube Cube. Unfortunately the show ends in tragedy when WWE World Champion, ‘The Transgender Tyrant’ Teddy Trombone, suddenly explodes.

Thats all the new DVDs and Blurays out this week that I can think of some sort of sarcastic joke or obscure lie about.

END OF WORDS

 

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