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The X Factor (A Quitegeist Guide)

December 11, 2010

Tomorrow is The X Factor final, probably. This is a momentous occasion that only happens once in a lifetime (if you happen to be an insect, or a hamster that isn’t being properly cared for). If you haven’t seen the show lately, here’s what to expect:

Unfortunately, the show will at some point begin. There’ll be a voiceover guy shouting over some pre-taped footage, then the four judges will walk onstage dressed in suits and formal dresses, backed by fireworks and music that sounds like the Ride of the fucking Valkyries. The entire thing will have an “opulent apocalypse” feel. At this point its best to repeat to yourself “Its just a talent show”, in case you begin to think you’ve stumbled upon the game show from The Running Man.

If, like me, you thought Sharon Osbourne was still somehow involved, you may be surprised by the current judges. First there’s the eunuch equivalent of Pee Wee Herman, Louis Walsh, who’s only there to be perpetually emasculated in order to make the botox tragedy Simon Cowell look like an alpha male. This in spite of Cowell’s hair like a 1950s barber and his teeth like a bleached beaver. Then there’s the glass skeleton Danii Minogue, who looks vaguely like an inside-out Kylie and is only there to speak too quietly over excessive crowd noise so we can hear the reformed racist Cheryl Cole. FUN FACT- Cheryl Cole now converses entirely in autotune, and while her eyes are permanently fixed into an expression presumably intended to convey sincerity, it’s actually an involuntary reaction to arthritic knee pain!

Eventually Dermot O Leary will say something, with a look in his eyes that says “They pay me a lot but they beat me”, then its time to show some pre-taped footage of the contestants stood in a branch of Laser Quest, before they eventually get around to singing. This week the finalists will perform with famous celebrities, or at least thats what Google has just this second told me. I tend to believe Google, we’ve developed a certain understanding. So One Direction (AKA Multi-Beiber) will be performing with Robbie Williams, somebody called Rebecca will be joined by Christina Aguilera, someone called Matt will sing with Rihanna, and the always controversial Cher will be joined by Sonny Bono.

Thankfully, the whole thing will eventually end and the viewers will vote for their winner, and that winner will maybe be a pop star for about a year before the 2011 X Factor winner is forced to ritualistically end their worthless fucking life.

THE END.

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