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New Crap: The “Crying Jesus” Edition

September 19, 2010

There’s only 95 shopping days until Christmas. Whip out your wallet and get spending, or you’ll make Jesus cry.

NEW CRAP

Quitegeist’s attempt to review the week’s new releases without seeing or hearing them

Out this week on DVD and Bluray is the Director’s Cut of Robin Hood, directed by Ridley Scott and starring Russell Crowe. Like a lot of Hollywood cinema these days, it makes the above fake trailer from the 1993 film Last Action Hero seem like a glimpse into the future, with the major difference being that Hamlet starring Arnie looks like it would be funny, whereas we’re actually supposed to take this film seriously. On an unrelated note, next week sees the release of Goldilocks and The Three Bears, directed by Sylvester Stallone and starring Christian Bale.

If you’re a fan of twee bullshit, Jonas Brothers Season 1 Volume 3, Camp Rock 2: Final Jam, and Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale are all out this week. Volume 3 of the Jonas Brothers picks up the story where Volume 2 left off, with Jeff and Hank Jonas, or whatever, bleeding from the ears and foaming at the mouth having overdosed on Sherbert. Can their little brother Franz, or whatever, find them an adrenaline shot in time? (SPOILER: No.) Camp Rock 2: Final Jam is the “Extended Version”, featuring 9 hours of extra footage, all just shots of naked Disney executives writhing about in piles of money and vomiting out of sheer wealth. Meanwhile, in the Barbie thing, Barbie debates with her peers about the mutability of second-wave feminist ideas, and argues for an intellectual discourse that engages with post-feminism as a modern development from rather than criticism of earlier modes of feminism.

There are new albums by Manic Street Preachers and Peter Hook’s Freebass, as well as a Cliff Richard compilation Forever The Young One, which is a tribute to botox. The new Seal album Commitment is out, originally assumed by the music press to be the 6th album by Seal the soul singer, but actually an album made by a seal, the sea mammal. Its just throaty noises and inward barking, but its strangely romantic.

The Summer games drought officially ended last week with Halo Reach and Playstation Move’s releases, and this week the titles keep coming, the biggest of which, Dead Rising 2, will probably be a lot of fun. There’s also a DS “game” out this week called Face Training, designed to help people exercise their facial muscles. Nintendo claims this is part of their strategy to widen their customer base by getting more women playing video games. Next week they release Bowel Training, aimed at the elderly, followed the week after by a game designed to stifle the urge to kill, Murderous Desire Suppressor, aimed at the growing market of ‘potential serial killers’.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, AAAAND EACH OTHER

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