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New Crap: The “Pounding March of Time” Edition

September 13, 2010

Dead leaves are carpeting the ground, children are playing with their digital uber-conkers, and the sweet sound of the ice cream van has faded into the distance for another year. Yes, Summer is over, the new release schedule is picking up, and time marches on, dragging each of us kicking and screaming along with it. So keep on working away for 9 hours a day, and don’t worry about waking up at 60 after your second heart attack and realising all you have to show for your life is a set of curtains that matches your sofa, because at least you can afford to buy the newest Gerard Butler film on Bluray.

NEW CRAP

Quitegeist’s attempt to review the latest entertainment releases without having seen or heard them and without the aid of Google.

Linkin Park shot to fame in the early ‘00s, during the septic mass of arse-discharge that was nu-metal. They’ve been making whiney noises over chuggy one-dimensional riffs ever since, and evidently their wounds have still not healed as they return this week with their latest album A Thousand Suns. For them to maintain such levels of angst for so long, it must be harder than it looks to be young, rich and American. If the pre-release hype is to be believed, they’re “out of their comfort zone” on this album, and certainly it seems at first glance that they’re switching things up slightly. They’ve always had the one who sings and the one who raps, but they’ve strayed from the formula and added a professional yodeller to the band in the form of Wylie Gustafson (pictured above). A brave move, but only time will tell if it’ll pay off.

You know the noise a fridge makes? That mechanical hum that usually blends in with the other, more prominent sounds in your life, until you notice it and it briefly becomes annoying? Well The Script’s new album Science and Faith is just an hour of that sound. On a more evil note, Phil Collins rises from the depths of hell to release his new album Going Back, which may or may not be a subliminal hint to play the album backwards, at which point you may or may not have surrendered your soul to Satan. And in other music new releases, Interpol by Interpol is so uninspired compared to their earlier albums that they couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a name for it, whereas Hurley by Weezer is deliriously awesome.

Speaking of Hurley, the final season of Lost is out on DVD and Bluray tomorrow, in which loyal fans were promised answers. If their question was “What would be a rubbish ending?” then they got the answer, and it was (SPOILER ALERT) “There’s a giant plug hole under the island, but never mind that because they all live happily ever after in heaven anyway”. (END OF SPOILERS) Series 1 of Glee is also out, the special edition of which comes complete with a migraine. Bob The Builder: Starting From Scratch is out as well, in which Bob attempts to rebuild his life after losing everything to a gambling addiction. The theme tune has been changed to fit the new plot developments. It now goes “Bob The Builder! Can he fix his life? Bob The Builder! Maybe, but his addiction IS quite severe.” The biggest new release of this week is actually a video game accessory though. Its called the Playstation Move, and its a glowing wand-shaped controller that gives you Wii-esque motion control on your Playstation 3. Games released to coincide with the launch of this, er, revolutionary accessory include Racket Sports, Sport Champions, Wii Sports and Olympic Dogging.

FIN.

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