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New Crap: The “Stoned Electro” Edition

August 29, 2010

NEW CRAP

Quitegeist’s attempt to review the latest entertainment releases without having seen or heard them and without the aid of Google.

New Crap released last week

We all love Klaxons, right? No? Last Monday Klaxons finally got around to releasing their second album of stoned electro, Surfing The Void, blowing all our perceptions of reality clean out of the water, man, with songs called things like Future Memories. Like, whoa, that is just so, like, you know, whoa, man. Its been a rocky road getting to this point. Their first album Myths of the Near Future saw them gain acclaim and release a few hit singles, coining the phrase “New Rave” in the process. In interviews they talked about how they had creative control over their music and image and the record company were fine with it. Then, filled with Class A hubris after winning the Mercury they started emitting cokey noises about making genuine art with their second album and winning the Turner Prize. When they submitted said second album to the record company they were sent to their room without supper and told to come back when they’d written something commercial, presumably at the threat of having their pocket money withdrawn. The resulting album isn’t prog, which is always a positive, and it presumably ticks a few of Polydor’s boxes, but in the process it makes Klaxons look like feckless puppets and demolishes any credibility they once had.

Speaking of stoned crap, Crash Test Dummies, the one hit wonders famous for the 1994 single “Mmm mmm mmm mmm”, return to their comfort zone, “gibberish”, with new album Oooh La La, which probably includes songs with names like “Wakka wakka wakka”, “Ow ow ow ow ow / ow ow ow ow ow ow zrrrrrppp”, and “Bffffffffffffff”. In other MOR news, The Magic Numbers pose the question “Why Did You Call?” on their new single, to which the logical answer is “To tell you that you’re shit, beardo.” Other music out last Monday included the new Eels album Tomorrow Morning, new albums by Minus The Bear and !!!, a William Orbit album with a pretentious name, and a Culture Club best of featuring all their biggest hits, such as “Karma Chameleon”, “Karma Chameleon” and “Karma Chameleon”. New DVDs and Blurays released last week included Repo Men, which is a film about a robbery (specifically the passing of time stealing Jude Law’s hairline.)

New Crap released this week

Out on DVD and Bluray this week, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s first feature film replaces the realism of The Office with a suspect Hollywood gloss in Cemetery Junction, whereas Chris Morris’s first feature Four Lions, also out this week, is characteristically brilliant. Pingu Series 1 is released too, which is easily the best series of Pingu. Series 2 was also okay, but Series 3 was boring and just stalling the plot, all the stuff off the island on Series 4 was pointless, the crap about time travel in Series 5 was dumb, and Series 6 was just ropey scifi that ended with Pingu and his penguin friends in fucking penguin heaven.

The biggest new music release this week is Katy Perry’s second album Teenage Dream, which has been scented to smell like Strawberry and Cream Campinos. That’s not even a lie. This could kickstart a whole new era of scented albums. The possibilities are endless. Take this week’s other new music, such as the new single by The Cribs, which could have been scented to smell like skunk and crotch sweat, or the new Goo Goo Dolls album Something For The Rest Of Us, which could have been scented to smell like congealed blood purged from the self-harm wound of an angsty teenage girl. So many missed opportunities.

Waaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr!!!! Disturbed’s new album Asylum is out tomorrow, as is Papa Roach’s new album Time For Annihilation. In other ‘commercial music masquerading as counter culture’ news, Murderdolls Women and Children Last is out tomorrow as well. Man, they’re such radicals, man. They, like, don’t even, like, care about conventions, man. They aren’t even, like, polite to, you know, bus drivers or, like, shop assistants or, you know, whatever, man. This is the first in a trilogy of albums. The follow ups (“Children Should Be Stabbed And Not Heard” and “A Stitch In Time DOESN’T Save Nine”) will be flying out of Murderdolls arses as fast as their digestive system can carry them.

MAN, SCREW THIS JIVE

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