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New Crap: The One with the Apocalypse

August 14, 2010

The world is ending. All the trees are dying, the sky is blackening, the clouds are falling to the ground like bricks. The street is flowing with a sea of people, all flailing about in a mad panic, all running and screaming and smashing shit up, all withered hands grasping at things, all infected feet kicking. All yellow teeth and stubble and sweat patches. All looting shops and fighting each other and setting fire to children. All drinking and vomiting and drinking more. They’re all wearing tracksuit bottoms and bleeding from the face and smoking weed and not saying much. They’re all doomed.

Next week they’ll be gone, and in their place will just be dust, and a million televisions playing episodes of Friends to rooms full of nobody, again and again and again, over and over and over, spewing repeatedly into infinite darkness: “The One with Ross’s Tan”, “The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs”, “The One with Rachel’s New Dress”, “The One with the Jellyfish”, “The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy”,  “The One with the Fake Monica”, “The One With the Crushing Inevitability of Death”, “The One with the Dozen Lasagnas”…


(Quitegeist’s attempt to review the new CDs and DVDs released this week, without having seen or heard them and without the aid of Google.)

Only kidding! The world isn’t really ending and E4 are stopping showing Friends repeats next year anyway. Cheer up, you flipping donkey. Before greasing up your fact spout and cramming it full of knowledge about this week’s new releases, here are the weeks of New Crap that Quitegeist has missed while watching Friends reruns and imagining the apocalypse.

The week commencing 2nd August 2010 saw the DVD and Bluray release of Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island, the Robin Williams and John Travolta shitfest Old Dogs, and Doctor Who Series 5 Volume 3. For those who don’t know, Series 5 of Doctor Who is the one where David Tennant was controversially replaced as the Time Lord by Leonard Cohen, lending the show a refreshingly suicidal edge. This week also saw the release of The Black Crowes new double album Croweology, named after the study of instantly forgettable, middle of the road blues rock.

The following week saw the release of practically no new music. This was thanks in part to austerity measures put in place by the Coalition government, who have pledged to reduce the overall level of sound in the UK by 40% before the year 2012. It turns out the country has been operating at a noise deficit, borrowing sound that we’ll need in the future. The first stage of the deficit reduction includes blocking the release of new music on certain weeks, and the second stage will involve shortening certain words by up to 2 syllables to reduce excess speaking.

Which brings us up to this week. New Music released on August 16th, coming to a torrent website near you, includes the 15th Iron Maiden studio album Final Frontier. Some people might applaud Iron Maiden for their longevity and consistency, but what does that really mean? They’ve been around for ages and are always the same. Well, until recently, the same could be said for Last of the Summer Wine. As a matter of fact, Iron Maiden have been around for three decades, Last of the Summer Wine managed nearly four! For all their hard rock posturing, Iron Maiden are not even as hardcore as Compo.

Released this week on DVD, Its a Wonderful Afterlife, a modern sequel to the 1946 film Its A Wonderful Life in which a mixture of CGI and stock footage of James Stewart is used to tell the story of his character after the first film ended. Car chases, explosions, full frontal nudity, atheism, senseless torture, cake – its a worthy sequel to a Christmas classic that fans of the original will be happy to have in their collection.

Also released, Jonas Brothers Season 1 Volume 1: Keeping It Real, in which Joey and Jefferson Jonas, or whatever, have to hide their identity as world famous pop stars while they live their regular life as plumbers, or whatever. In all seriousness though, the CGI here is outstanding and an example of Disney at their best- the Jonas Brothers look so convincing you could almost mistake them for humans, if not for their dead fucking eyes. Also released for the kids this week is Tom & Jerry: Sherlock Holmes, directed by Guy Ritchie. So expect lots of “Awright geeezzaa! Lor’ luv a duck! Dis is ‘ow we all speaks in the England. Apples and pears, dog and bone. Don’t be such a bloody Ethan, Frank. Put your kippers on, luv. Skull and hedge, gav’nah. Cor, pallet and fruit. Fringe and boomerang. Sorted! Door and fangs. Shed and thyme. Yacht and ankle. Know what I mean? Geeezzaaaaa!”


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