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The Quitegeist Guide To Modern Football

July 28, 2010

Soccer. Footie ball. Spherical kick-time. Our national sport is known by many names, but as the streets flow with rivers of man-tears and regurgitated Carling in the wake of the World Cup, it is time England accepts that football has to change or risk being seen by a generation as “that boring game we always lose”. As a public service to the nation, Quitegeist has brainstormed some ways that football could be improved. They are written (in words) below this sentence. Look:

It is the Space Year 2010. We are living in the future. It’s the era of teenagers with hoverboards, shoes that can tie themselves and flying cars powered purely by our own sense of self satisfaction. Are we really supposed to watch a game that hasn’t changed at all since it was invented by Sir Francis Football in the middle ages as a way to distract gout sufferers from their pain? The game needs tweaking. It isn’t finished. It’s not optimised for the modern age, but the solution is simple. We should just pick an existing game and attach one of its features to football. Take draughts as an example. Every time a player reaches the other side of the pitch and scores a goal, he should be Kinged and have to play the rest of the match with a substitute sat on his shoulders. Or Cluedo- the match is played as normal, but inside a large stately home rather than on a field. Or roulette- the match is played on a large spinning disc, with 36 numbered goals rather than two. Or Resident Evil- less kicking a ball, more shooting zombies in the head with a shotgun. Any of these adjustments would improve the game immeasurably, and even better would be a system where the rules changed every match depending on a phone vote.

The game of football is so unfit for purpose that under its current rules entire matches can be played without anybody scoring a single goal. This is an unacceptable state of affairs. There should be measures put in place to fix this. They should increase the size of the teams to 25 players each, rather than however many there are now, or add an extra team and make the pitch triangular. Even simpler, just enforce a “MULTIBALL!!!” rule, where an extra ball is thrown onto the pitch for every five minute period without a goal. In an era where attention spans are so short that people can’t even microwave a ready meal without tiring of the process and ordering a pizza online, 90 minutes without a goal simply isn’t going to cut it anymore.

The game should also be modified to better match the average fan’s interaction with it. This would only require very minor tweaks, like playing the game with a square ball. (A box.) Since kicking requires physical exertion, and people don’t like physical exertion, the players should all just sit around and look at the ball (which would be a box). Games would be won depending on how many cans of weak lager the players could drink in a ninety minute period, and in the case of a draw there would be a clumsy fist fight. There would also be fist fights in the case of a loss or a win. We should also change the name to something more fitting, like “look-at-the-box”, or “visioncube”, or “optic hexahedron”.

All or some or none of the above changes would make football infinitely better than it is now, I assume. I don’t really watch it. But if Freddy Fifa is reading this and none of those ideas jump out at him, here are some more:

  • Two words: Monkey football.
  • Every time the ball is kicked it emits a cloud of laughing gas.
  • Just cut out the sport entirely and skip straight to the hooliganism. Possibly change the name to footbrawl.
  • Foodball. Thats just a name, I’m not sure what it would involve.
  • Fire.

I realise that these are quite radical changes to a sport that a lot of people love, but change is a good thing. Without change it would still be okay for Jim Davidson to appear on Saturday night television. What’s important isn’t that the specific ideas above are used, but that we as a nation confront our failure at international football and clearly define the problem- Football is rubbish.

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