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New Crap: The “ssssssssssssssssssssssss swirly” Edition

July 26, 2010

The six week holidays. The sound of music as the ice cream van approaches. Children laughing and playing outside. The early tease of a heatwave. Watching the heat twirling up from the tarmac. Sudden torrential rainfall somehow coupled with a hose pipe ban. The sense of nostalgia brought on by the unmistakable scent of freshly cropped serial killers. It must be British summer.

As per tradition, summer this year is accompanied by a drought of new home entertainment. From the film industry’s perspective the logic is probably if we’ve got too much new crap to watch at home, we won’t be out having all the latest Summer blockbusters ladled into our eyes. But while Inception, currently sitting at the top of both the UK and USA box offices, is striking a blow for people who don’t want constant remakes and sequels, the rest of the box office is still clogged up with rehashes, and it doesn’t look like things are going to change anytime soon. This week the big new cinema release is another remake of an old 80s TV show, in which a close-knit but dysfunctional group of outcasts must overcome obstacles and seek a resolution. Starring Liam Neeson as Rose, District 9’s Sharlto Copley as Dorothy, and former UFC light heavyweight champion Quintin ‘Rampage’ Jackson as the man-hungry Southern belle Blanche, the big screen adaptation of The Golden Girls is, in Quitegeist’s opinion, one big budget remake too far.

New Crap released 26th July 2010

(Quitegeist’s attempt to review the new CDs and DVDs released this week, without having seen or heard them and without the aid of Google.)


Before getting to this week’s new releases, here is a recap of the weeks of new crap Quitegeist has missed. The week commencing July 12th saw the DVD and Bluray release of Youth In Revolt, in which Michael Cera plays against type as an awkward, softly spoken teenager with girl troubles. Also released that week, free with copies of the Daily Mirror, was Prince’s new album 20Ten, accompanied by an interview with His Royal Badness in which he declared “The internet is completely over” and “All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers”. To celebrate the release of the legendary sex-midget’s (probably shit) new album, Quitegeist has prepared a few Prince facts, as an excuse to show another picture of him looking ridiculous.

  • In 1987, despite half a million copies having already been pressed, Prince insisted his record company recall his latest CD ‘The Black Album’ after he had a spiritual epiphany that it was evil.
  • In 2001 Prince became a Jehovah’s Witness. “It’s like Morpheus and Neo in The Matrix”, he explained.
  • Prince has needed double hip replacement since 2005 but it is against his Jehovah’s Witness faith to have the surgery. His condition has been worsened because he will only wear high heel shoes.

That concludes today’s Prince facts.


Last week (commencing 19th July) saw the release of Now 76, the latest in the Now That’s What I Call Music series of compilations. As always it was crammed with all the biggest chart hits of the year, such as Katy Perry’s California Girls, Alejandro by Lady Gaga, and Fix Your Broken Mind by Wormrot. Meanwhile, Psychosis and The Crazies were released on DVD and Bluray, both rushed attempts to bring to the screen the story of Mel Gibson and his supporters. Wakka wakka.

Which brings us up to this week, in which the biggest new music release is the album Planet Jedward. For those who don’t know, Jedward (pictured) are John and Edward. They are two 19 year old twin brothers who shot to fame on The X Factor by simultaneously making a Vanilla Ice song worse than it already was while literally murdering David Bowie live on air and using his hollowed out remains as a sort of microphone. It was pretty freaky. If the album is anything like their twitter feed, where nearly 57000 “jedicated” fans are following their tweets, it’ll be a terrifying glimpse into a neon-green future where our children’s brains have degenerated into a sort of radioactive cola.

“GOOD NIGHT GOOD MORNING GOOD MID NIGHT GOOOOOOD THINK HOW MUCH STUFF IS ‘GOOD’ MAYBE THE NEW WORD SHOULD BE JEDWARD JEDWARD NIGHT ETC.” -planetjedward, June 24th 2010

“world peace world jedward world everything everything peace every thinG JEDWARD”- planetjedward, July 2nd 2010

“bring the beat back bup bup bup checa bup checa da bum”- planetjedward, July 13th 2010

“TWITTER IS NOW KNOWN AS JEDITTER MAKE THE CHANGE! NOW”- planetjedward, July 14th 2010

“JUST A QUICK NOTE DONT JUST WALK JEDWARD WALK A, B OR C A:COOL WALK B:BOUCING C:SLIDING”- planetjedward, July 15th 2010

“ssssssssssssssssssssssss swirly”- planetjedward, July 23rd, 2010

“its not about what you got its what do with what you got make a jedward quiff or walk your dog”- planetjedward, July 23rd 2010

Meanwhile, on DVD and Bluray this week, full-blown fucking belm Robert Pattinson, with his pasty white face shaped like a keyhole, stares blankly at a wall for 2 hours in romcom Remember Me, ironically named considering the film is actually possible to forget while you’re still watching it. Also released, the remake of Clash of the Titans, which is a big budget 3D Hollywood film about in-fighting within the Rotherham Titans rugby team. Or, you know, something a lot funnier than that.

FIN.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 15, 2010 10:46 PM

    Great stuff! This is my kind of site!

  2. SweetLadyH permalink
    September 5, 2010 7:55 PM

    I just cried laughing at the R-Patz bit! Love it.

  3. Faith Ellis permalink
    September 10, 2010 2:41 PM

    One correction – Jehovah’s Witnesses ARE allowed to have surgery of any type. We are not allowed to accept whole blood. Some except blood fractions. All is a matter of consciousness. The Bible specifically sets this restriction. Witnesses are simply living by the guidelines set down by Jehovah God through his word, the Bible.

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