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New Crap: The “Miyamoto Appreciation” Edition

June 6, 2010

Belly flopping into shops and onto laptops this week:

U2: 360 Live at the Rose Bowl comes out on DVD and Bluray. Its basically a hugely elaborate gig played in the round on a stage that appears to be clasped in God’s withered crab-claw. That’s an entire 360 degrees of smug sonic cod for you to smear over your dying senses. You’ll love it if you like things that are average. As well as the standard version there is a Super Deluxe box set which is retailing at over £100 and comes complete with a personal slap in the face from Bono. While you’re stinging from the slap he lectures you on carbon emissions, before hopping on his private jet to his next gig that will pump 65,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

The BBC are bringing out a few things this week. First is Top Gear Challenges Volume 4, in which the dad-lads, controlled by the demonic overlord Clarkson, face their toughest challenges yet, such as “Be rude to a gypsy”, “Kick a lesbian” and “Get a veiny throb-on while thinking about cars”. The Beeb also bring out Doctor Who: Season 5 Volume 1 this week, best known as the series where the new Doctor takes over from David Tennant, and what a surprising choice Michael Barrymore was for the part.

There are some films released this week, such as Brothers, in which Jake Gyllenhaaaaaaarrrrrll stars as both members of 80s pop duo Bros, and Benicio Del Toro’s latest Wolfman, the moving biopic of the former Gladiator ‘Wolf’ that tells the story of his traumatic childhood being raised in the wild. It is both heartwarming and erotic.

MUSIC! Christina Aguilera does her best to convince people she was actually Lady Gaga all along on her new album Bionic, and The Drums release their self-titled full length debut that has got the NME terribly excited. Unfortunately, its the Space Year 2010, and the only people reading NME these days are the members of The Drums. THAT IS ALL THE MUSIC!

None of the above words matter. They are wasted words. They are pebbles flicked into a cyber canyon. All that matters is that Super Mario Galaxy 2 on the Nintendo Wii comes out on Friday. It’s received almost universal 10 out of 10 reviews and has been hand-crafted from the finest oak by living legend Shigeru Miyamoto, a man who genuinely seems to care about squeezing as much innovation, fun and pure child-like joy into each individual moment of a game as humanly possible. No doubt the game will be dismissed by many of the current generation of gamers who, having carried a skewed, adolescent idea of masculinity into their 20s and 30s, now consider an innovative game to be one in which the identikit bald American space marine holds his gun at a slightly different angle as he ploughs indiscriminately through waves of allegorical foreigners. Since these same people use the word “lol” in real life conversation rather than just fucking laughing, its safe to ignore their opinions. Just leave them alone in their rooms, “owning” each other over the internet.


One Comment leave one →
  1. Des permalink
    June 7, 2010 11:19 AM

    They have upgraded the ‘owned’ to ‘pwned’ now. I still don’t quite understand where or why pwned has appeared from but my lordy lord, it is there.

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