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New Crap: The “Put A Fucking T-Shirt On” Edition

May 24, 2010

This week it’s been so hot that the British Isles have melted and changed shape. It is thought that by the end of this heatwave when the ground again solidifies Ireland will be attached to France, and England, Scotland and Wales will be roughly the shape of Tommy Cooper. Quitegeist isn’t currently so up to date on current events though, as this edition of New Crap is being written in a sealed metal box five thousand feet below the surface of the Earth, also known as “the only place where there are no Lost spoilers”. At first I thought I could just turn off my internet, but I swear my kettle was whispering something about Hurley this morning so I had to take extreme action.

Here’s a list of all the cultural clunge being placed neatly onto shelves this week. Quick tip- it’s all available for free on the internet!!!1 Shhh, keep it to yourself.

CRAP RELEASED MAY 24TH 2010

Break out your glow sticks and crack open a can of Relentless, it’s everybody’s favourite mindless shit- Pendulum. They excrete their new album Immersion this week, and going off past form at least 50% of the songs on it will sound like somebody standing next to a waltza, playing nursery rhymes through a kazoo. From next to the same waltza, Crystal Castles have eschewed the kazoo in favour of just having lead singer Alice Glass self harm and violently cry into a microphone. Neither album is as good as solvent abuse, so why not just spend your money on glue?

The cast of Glee are back, with their fucking fourth CD this year, in which they eat some songs whole without chewing then vomit them back up through gritted, bleached teeth. The results sound exactly like the cover versions they play in WH Smiths to avoid having to pay for the original songs. They are basically Stepford Songs. Katie Melua also releases an album this week, which would be a useful aid if you’re planning to lure dinner party guests into a deep boredom sleep, undress them, staple them to the windshield of your car, then kill yourself and them by driving off a cliff. Ban this album!

There are DVDs released this week but really, just go outside instead. This time next week it’ll be 90 solid weeks of snow.

FIN.

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