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Fear and Loathing on the Living Room Sofa

May 13, 2010

The country is facing a leadership crisis. In the aftermath of last week’s general election no single party had a high enough majority of seats to claim outright victory. An intense few days of politicking began as David Cameron and Gordon Brown both did their very best to get inside Nick Clegg’s pants and touch his hung parliament. Cameron and the Conservative party eventually won over Clegg by giving him the role of Deputy Prime Minister and promising him and his party unlimited Chocolate Pop Tarts, which the Lib Dems have been campaigning for since they originally formed 5 weeks ago at a Kiss concert or whatever.

As much fun as it was watching the first Clegg/Cameron joint press conference, watching them make gooey, “rut me like a boar you political heavyweight” eyes at each other, there is a very real problem. In the few days when Gordon Brown was acting as the caretaker Prime Minister and no party had yet formed a majority, I very clearly bagsy’d the role of Prime Minister via Twitter. The ancient power of bagsy trumps any politics that the Conservatives and Lib Dems have played. Quitegeist is in charge now, and here be our decrees:

  • People want reform of the political system. Quitegeist understands this. In order to make politics appeal to a younger age group, we will change the job title of “Prime Minister” to “Boss Hog”, and make all political debates take place under strict rap battle rules.
  • We will bring back the death penalty. It will be used solely on anybody who says “They should bring back the death penalty…”
  • Anybody who complains about immigration without due forethought will be deported. For example, “The shops are so full of them immigrants I can’t even spend my dole money on Super Strength Cider”: Deported. “I was trying to eat but my stomach was just too full of immigrants”: Deported. “I can’t even breathe my windpipe is just so jammed with immigrants. Coming over here, squatting in my throat…”: Deported, then brought back, then fucking deported again just for good measure.
  • We will not allow the Conservatives and their new weasel friends to sell the country’s poor to keep them in champagne and swan vomit. This is what change looks like. Well, actually, THIS is what change looks like:

But you know what I mean.

  • Finally, and most importantly, as Boss Hog of Great Britain, I am making it law for all people with problems to get their shit together. Get to it.

Our political opponents will have you believe that a Con/Dem Nation (wakka wakka) is bold new politics. This can be proven wrong using maths:

Divided by 2 =

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