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New Crap: The “Volcanic Ash” Edition

April 18, 2010

Oh my GOD! The whole of the UK is covered by a cloud of volcanic mash. A lot of people seem very upset by this but we here at Quitegeist think it sounds delicious. There are more important things to worry about, such as the approaching UK election. This week, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Conservative Party leader Davey C and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg took part in a televised debate, broadcast on ITV, which Nick Clegg won by phone vote. The country enjoyed the way he kept one hand in his pocket at all times and fell completely in love with his gold tie. He will now be awarded a recording contract with ‘The King of Botox’ Simon Cowell, and eventually might get to appear on Loose Women and get hagged at by the trolls.

What follows is a party political broadcast on behalf of the new CDs and DVDs released this week. Rub these words over your eyeballs and with one application you’ll never need to read again.

New DVDs and CDs that I haven’t seen or heard, released on April 19th


This is a great week if you’re living in a different decade to the one currently happening. AC/DC have released 9 million albums and have been around since before God crafted our planet out of some Blu-tac, and yet they have only ever written one song. On the Iron Man 2 soundtrack, released this week, they play that one song over and over and over and over and over again until you have no choice but to stab yourself in the ear with a pen out of sheer boredom. Also this week, planes are all grounded because the entire of the UK is covered by former Guns n Roses guitarist Slash, who releases his shit new album of fret-wank.

The entire UK is covered by a cloud of volcanic hash, as Cypress Hill have arrived to promote their new album Rise Up. The planes are all down because the pilots just can’t be arsed flying, but everybody’s totally cool with it. In other news, the entire UK is covered by volcanic mockney Kate Nash, who releases her new album My Best Friend Is You. And if you’re playing along at home, these are all words that rhyme with ash.

Albums are passé! Who buys albums anymore? They’re all shit anyway. As if anybody has ever made a good album. At least we have Ash to push things forward with their A-Z Series, which involves them releasing a new single every fortnight. The concept has been such a success that they’ve reached the letter M and you weren’t even aware that they were still a band, and now they’re releasing a compilation of all these new singles. So basically an album then? To publicise the release, the band’s members have dived headfirst into the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull, been burned to death and then been dispersed over the UK in a cloud of ash. This has made it hard for whining pricks to get back from fucking paradise at the exact moment that they had planned, but luckily it has also made it impossible for Ash to carry on releasing a single every two weeks and has made it easy for me to make bad jokes.

Ash ash ash, cloud of ash, ash ash ash, and meanwhile this week is a hotbed for titles that sound like they could be pornography. On DVD there is The Men Who Stare At Goats, Box, Rainbow: Naughty Zippy and Sooty: Big Surprise (in which the big surprise is Sooty’s hideously scarred genitals), while on CD there is the new album by Trembling Bells. Also released on DVD this week is UFC 107: Penn vs Sanchez, in which Diego Sanchez competes for the Lightweight Championship against an actual pen, specifically a red biro. It seems a mismatched fight but then somebody puts on the new AC/DC album and Sanchez has no choice but to stab himself repeatedly in the ear.

BYE.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Bethal Morengay permalink
    April 19, 2010 6:05 AM

    When the fuck did the drummer from Ash turn into that gobshite, Dominic Diamond?

    • April 19, 2010 2:35 PM

      Around the same time everybody with ears stopped caring about their music.

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