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April 7, 2010

Like a fast-approaching 18-wheeler truck filled with books about sedimentary rock formations, the election is looming and it’s going to be impossible to ignore and extremely boring. Quitegeist is here to put some facts deep inside you, until you’re so fat on knowledge that you can’t move without sicking-up bits of news.

Yesterday at 10AM, Gordon Brown quickly pulled on some pants and called a cab from his terraced house on Downing Street to the Queen’s flat. When the taxi arrived he stepped outside to face an army of photographers and journalists, his face surgically stapled into what could loosely be described as a “smile”. He hurried into the taxi and told the driver to step on it. Once he arrived at the Queen’s council estate, he shook the troubled monarch from her barbiturate-induced hibernation and, as is tradition, asked her permission to dissolve parliament (presumably using some kind of acid). The Queen lit a ceremonial Richmond Superking, spat up a bit of phlegm, then churlishly shrugged and whispered “Whatever”.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Central London, David Cameron woke up on his office floor, still completely munted, and said the word “Change” very loudly to nobody in particular. He went for a quick jog, moisturised, showered, moisturised, punched a poor person squarely in the face, moisturised, and had a surgeon graft his pregnant wife to his hip. He was ready to face the press. In front of a crowd of cameras and Conservative party members, Cameron gave the following speech:

“Choice! Change. Hope? Change. Optimism! Change. Modern Conservatives. Choice, hope, change. Hope, optimism, better. Modern Conservatives? Change, optimism, change. Hope, change, change, optimism, hope, future, change. Labour? Waste, inequality, taxes. Labour. Five more years of Gordon Brown? Waste, bad, worse. Labour. Ruin, death, disease. Cancer? Labour. CHOICE! Change. Hope. Future? Better. Optimism! Modern conservatives! Thankyou.”

David Cameron then got down off his box, kicked a child full-on in the groin, and jogged back to his office, ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blaring on his Ipod, as somewhere Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg probably said or did something.

After Gordon Brown had announced to the press that the rock hard, throbbing election would take place on May 6th, the rest of the day was spent campaigning, with all three major parties trying to win votes by taking their message to the country. Gordon Brown went to Kent to visit a branch of Morrissons and say hello to the self-service tills, before his mood crashed completely and he began to self-harm outside the Co-op. Meanwhile, David Cameron went to a Wetherspoons, spent 13 straight hours drinking, then took a piss on a disused coal mine.

There is just under a month left until the electorate gets to decide who will govern our country, and we now have a choice. The Conservatives message is clear, just look at their billboards- “Gordon Brown is obviously too physically unattractive to spend so much time on television. Vote for us, our leader moisturises.” Meanwhile, Labour’s compelling argument is “Come on! The Conservatives? Really?!” And those are your two choices, other than voting for somebody who won’t win.

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