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More New Crap

April 4, 2010

There’s an election. Rejoice! Every street and living room across the country is filled with flesh-coloured puddles as Gordon Brown’s face melts and drips grimly from billboards and televisions, while David Cameron tries to convince the electorate that he represents a new generation of honest politics with his election slogan “Vote For Me- I’m a COMPLETE cunt”. There are also some other people running who clearly won’t win. Quitegeist’s advice? Buy some DVDs, stock up on whiskey and pretend none of it is happening. To help you choose which DVDs to buy, or which CDs if you enjoy clinging to dead formats, here is our review of all the new crap they’re bringing out this week.

New releases for the week commencing Monday 5th April 2010 (None of which I’ve seen or heard)

New releases this week are sparse, especially since what was to be the biggest release of the week, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy on Bluray, got rush-released on Friday in case some new technology came along to trump Bluray in the intervening two days. There are still a few DVDs worth mentioning but it’s a particularly slow week for new albums. For what its worth though- Rufus Wainwright yawns his way through his 90th album All Days Are Nights; Black Sabbath re-release some albums that probably have names like The Master’s Angry Reaper and Hell’s Death Pants; and Doves release their best of Places Between after spending 5 years making their last album, but they definitely aren’t splitting up, honest.

It’s quite a big week for children’s DVDs, with new Fireman Sam and Spongebob Squarepants releases. In Fireman Sam: Great Fire of Pontypandy, Sam has a midlife crisis and mixes shrooms with high-strength speed. He then strips naked in the local café after hearing the voice of God coming from his all day breakfast, specifically from the fried bread. Things take a darker turn when he breaks down completely, apprehends a fire engine and tries to set fire to the entire of Wales, killing seven. In a dazzling finale, Sam sobers up, gets a quick Costa then puts out the fire single-handedly, before hiding all the evidence that could link him to the crime. It’s a wild ride for the viewer, but where the show goes next from here is anybody’s guess. Meanwhile, in Spongebob Squarepants: Viking Sized Adventure, Spongebob cuts his sponge-hand on a rusty underwater spike while trying to save his pal Patrick from the Crabby Patty Thief, then ignores the resultant septic sore for so long that he eventually has to have his entire sponge-arm amputated. I’m all for using children’s shows with an existing fanbase to teach kids useful life lessons, but the close ups during the surgery scene are probably a bit much.

This is also a good week for fans of half naked men. Firstly, there is WWE TLC 2009 (DVD). For those who don’t know, TLC is a yearly, three hour pay per view event featuring everybody’s favourite WWE Superstars, such as Hank Hogan, ‘Ultimate’ Jerry Nasty, and former star of the hit show The Wonder Years- ‘Macho’ Fred Savage. TLC is different from the other big wrestling shows because in it the wrestlers finally drop the pretense and give each other some much needed Tender Loving Care in front of an increasingly angry crowd of crying, confused homophobes. Also released this week is UFC 106: Ortiz vs Griffin, in which the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Tito Ortiz is forced to fight an actual griffin.

There are other things released this week, but since everybody has already downloaded every piece of art and entertainment, past, present or future, for free, onto pen drives the size of microbes, you don’t need me to keep wording on at you. So, away with you. Go on.

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