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New Things!

March 26, 2010

We’re fast approaching the fourth month of the Space Year 2010 and things are grim. Outside, violent youths with hoods and laser-knives are scoffing miaow-miaow by the boat-load and illegally downloading death-jazz to their pocket telephones, before flying off on their hoverboards on the hunt for stray pensioners to eat. Thanks to climate change, winters are now so cold that human blood freezes instantly upon leaving the house, whereas in the summer it’s so hot that one second spent in the sun will melt off your skin. Even the very bravest are reluctant to leave their homes since the government fitted us all with mandatory pedometers and began to tax our footsteps. To make matters worse, house, gas and food prices have risen to the point that people no longer have enough money to breathe.

Now more than ever people need home entertainment. Every week hundreds of CDs, DVDs and books are released, and everywhere you look everybody has an opinion on them. But who’s opinion can you trust? You can trust us. Quitegeist spews a consistent stream of truth directly into your receptacle of choice. We’re so efficient in providing you with this truth that we don’t even need to have seen or heard something before we review it. That would just cloud our judgment. Without any further wordage, here is Quitegeist’s rundown of the new CD and DVD releases for the week commencing March 29th 2010.

Reviews of new releases I’ve not seen or heard

The two biggest CD releases this week are Madonna’s Sticky and Sweet, a Live CD of her 2009 tour, and Now 75. I’m banned from Google as I write this so I can’t say for sure, but Now 75 is either the latest in the ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ compilation series, or Madonna’s new studio album made to coincide with her 75th birthday. The Sticky and Sweet CD comes with a bonus DVD of the tour so you can watch Madonna gradually decompose, and is also available on Bluray, for those who want to see the maggots poking through her taut sinew.

The big DVD release of the week is 2012. There was a John Cusack film released in 2009 called 2012, but thats not what is being released this week. In an unusual move they’re actually releasing the year itself, two years ahead of schedule. It comes in either DVD or Bluray format. You just pop it into your player and it skips 2011 and the remainder of 2010, and you wake up on January 1st 2012 with a hangover, in some dodgy guy called Jack’s spare room, covered in sicked-up pizza. If you opt for the Bluray version of the year it also improves your eyesight, but only if you buy bigger, more expensive eyes and they’re hooked up to a HDMI optic nerve.

This is also a big week for people who like fish and underwater mammals. As well as a strange amount of documentaries about sharks (did a famous shark die?), there’s Blue Move: Dolphins, which is one letter ‘I’ away from being aqua-bestial porn but is, disappointingly, just dolphins swimming about in HD. Meanwhile fish-lovers are also catered for by the CD new releases, with the compilation 100% Bass, by the same people who brought you 100% Cod. Wakka wakka.

Another notable film released this week on DVD and Bluray is Terry Gilliam’s The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Again, I can’t Google it, but to the best of my understanding it’s some sort of snuff film depicting the last hours of Heath Ledger’s life before those twins off Full House murdered him, or something.

And finally, this week sees the release of the book Story of the World Cup by Brian Glanville. I say ‘book’, but if its really the story of the World Cup it’ll just be the sentence “Every four years some pricks kick a ball about and millions of people get fall-down drunk and overreact”.

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